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  Little did I know I’d be the person that took her away from him. Little did I know I’d be the person he blamed for all of it.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Jeff was standing in my doorway. Just standing there, staring at me as I stared back at him. What the fuck?

  “You look surprised to see me,” he said, smiling.

  His voice was fuzzy and my head was spinning. It seemed like everything was in slow motion. I hadn’t seen him in so long. I wasn’t even sure I believed he was standing here now. Maybe this was a dream I was going to wake up from. Twenty seconds or two hours passed and I said nothing.

  “Are you going to invite me in?” he asked.

  I kept standing here, mouth slightly open. I’m not even sure I was in possession of my own faculties as I pulled the door open wider, letting him walk past me to the couch.

  Jeff looked around as he entered the living room and sat down. I stayed at the door staring out into the driveway and beyond. He was alone. I closed the door slowly, wondering if I should close it at all, or if I should keep it open, just in case.

  “You’ve put yourself a nice little place together here, Lil.”

  He always called me Lil and I always hated it. Hearing it now made me cringe. I stayed a steady distance away from him, standing guard of my own body, hands balled into fists at my sides. “What do you want?” I asked rigidly.

  “Well, that’s not exactly a warm greeting,” he said.

  “It wasn’t meant to be,” I snapped.

  “Fine. Okay, I get that you might be a little mad at me. I get that you might even hate my guts. I guess that’s fair.”

  “You guess? You fucking guess?” I growled.

  “Okay, okay, Lil. I get it. I was terrible. I made some mistakes. But everything I did, I did with good intentions.” Jeff shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal and I wanted to beat him with the lamp sitting next to him.

  “Good intentions? Good intentions? No one does what you did to the woman they supposedly love with good intentions. No one,” I said.

  “Fine,” he said.

  His lack of concern or understanding was really starting to irritate me. There was no use trying to make him get it. “So what do you want, Jeff? Just get to it.”

  “Well, I don’t really know. I just started driving, thinking I needed to come talk to you.”

  “And you didn’t think to just call?”

  “I didn’t think you’d take my call,” he said.

  “You thought right. You’re lucky I even let you in.”

  He sat in silence for a moment, shifting his weight. I kept my eyes on him. He looked thinner than the last time I saw him. He looked more worried, too. Less at ease than his usual confident self.

  “The woman I left you for is pregnant,” he finally said.

  “I know,” I said.

  “You do?” he asked, confused.

  “Yep.”

  “I’m worried. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about losing her. My little girl,” he said.

  He didn’t even seem concerned about how I knew. I felt all the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt like crying. I felt everything. I felt jealous. Why is he telling me this? Why the fuck does he think this is something I want to hear? Doesn’t he understand that it hurts? “Well, congratulations to you and yours. I hope you’re both very happy with the new addition to your family.”

  “Lil, don’t be like that.”

  “I hate it when you call me Lil,” I said coldly.

  “Oh. I didn’t know.”

  “I know. You never listened. You never cared. You never took anything I wanted or needed into consideration. It was all about you, all about what you wanted,” I said coldly.

  I didn’t know what got into me, but I think I just finally had enough. I couldn’t take one more comment, one more hurtful thing from him. It was finally time. I was finally ready to tell him everything I had wanted to say for years. I didn’t know why right then felt right but I wasn’t going to question it. I was just going to let it flow out of me without a filter. He deserved every word of it. I had nothing to feel bad about anymore.

  “I’m done, Jeff. I’m done. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be your friend. I just want to forget you. I want to forget everything you did to me. But I can’t. Do you know why, Jeff? Do you? Do you even understand? I either can’t sleep at all or I sleep as long as my body will allow me just so I don’t have to feel anything. Do you know what that’s like? Of course not because you can’t even come to terms with the fact that what you put me through hurt me. You can’t even look yourself in the mirror and see yourself for the monster you became with me. I’m just done with you, with all of it. I don’t want to have it hanging over me anymore. I think you need to leave. Now.”

  Jeff was just sitting there, staring at me, seemingly shocked. He stood up and moved toward me. I stepped back instinctively. He put his arms out, and I put my fists up. He held out his palms as if to signal he meant no harm. And he hugged me. I stood stiff, elbows angled, waiting for it to be over but he just held me tighter and tighter. Tears began to fall down my cheeks onto his shoulder but I didn’t say a word and I didn’t hug him back. His grip started to tighten even more and I started to struggle against him. I didn’t want this.

  “Let go, Jeff!” I yelled. But he held me in my place and backed me into the wall.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said.

  “No, it’s not. Let me go!” I yelled louder. I wiggled myself side to side, pushed my arms out and away from me to try to pry him off but it was like trying to move stone. The past came crashing back down on me and I recounted too many familiar scenes in my mind. I remembered each time Jeff held me too tightly and what happened next. Oh, god, not this. Not this again.

  Just as my body began to slouch, I felt Jeff’s body jerking away from mine in one fluid motion. I fell to my knees and looked up to see Samuel pulling Jeff away by his shirt. He whirled Jeff around as if he weighed nothing. Samuel’s eyes met Jeff’s and for a moment, he paused. It was strange; I couldn’t tell what the look on his face was. Recognition? I could see his arms flexing in anger. He reared back his fist and connected with Jeff’s jaw.

  He grabbed Jeff by his collar and pulled him really close to his face, looking him in the eye. “If you ever so much as set foot in this city ever again, you are going to have a problem. Do you understand me? Never come back here. Never contact Delilah. Ever again. Now tell me you understand,” Samuel said.

  I’d never seen this side of Samuel. He was aggressive, protective. It caught me off guard.

  “I understand,” Jeff choked out between gasps.

  Samuel escorted him to the door and shoved him out, slamming the door behind him. He stood there for a moment with his hand still on the door and looked over at me. His face was scrunched up with worry and something else, some kind of sadness. What on earth just fucking happened?

  Samuel rushed over to me and crouched down next to me. He put his arms around me. He was so warm. I melted into him. I let myself go. I started sobbing. He didn’t say anything for a while. He just sat here letting me cry into his shirt.

  “Are you okay? I saw the car outside and your door was cracked open and I just felt uneasy,” he said.

  “No,” I said. “But not for the reasons you might think.”

  He started looking me up and down as if he were searching for wounds I didn’t have. “What’s wrong?” He looked at my face and waited for a response. He collected my fallen hair and tucked it behind my left ear, resting his hand just below my jaw.

  I could feel his thumb caressing my skin. My toes curled. “I made a mistake, Samuel. I made a mistake because I was afraid. I’m still afraid but I think it might be worth it to find out if I don’t have to be anymore,” I said.

  Samuel began to smile that warm, sweet smile of his. God, he was beautiful. His hand slid up my cheek and he leaned in closer to me.
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  “Delilah, I want you to listen to me very carefully. I really want you to hear me when I say this. Are you ready?”

  “Ready,” I breathed, shutting my eyes.

  “You never have to be afraid again. Unless you’re afraid of me kissing you, Delilah. Because I am going to kiss you right now,” he whispered.

  My eyes shot open. I felt like he was staring straight through me with his dark brown eyes. He rubbed the tip of his thumb over my bottom lip as he bit his own. He leaned his whole body into mine and slowly pressed his mouth against mine. I closed my eyes again, feeling everything this moment had to offer.

  I could feel the sharp inhale of my lungs as the kiss deepened and his hand moved into my hair. I could feel my body stiffening, melting, and stiffening again. I could feel things deep in the center of me that I hadn’t felt in years.

  I let go. He held on.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  It was a little past 1 a.m. when I awoke to light touches across my skin. Little concentric circles around my ear and down my neck sent goosebumps down my spine. I had fallen asleep in Samuel’s arms on the couch for the second time.

  After we kissed, I cried. I cried until I fell asleep and he let me. He understood I needed it. He always seemed to understand what I needed. I liked that.

  “Hi,” I whispered.

  “Hi to you,” he whispered back.

  “Have you been awake this whole time?” I asked.

  “No, I dozed off for a bit and then spent the rest of the time watching you sleep. You’re so peaceful when you sleep,” he said, rubbing my temple.

  “As opposed to when I’m awake and being an asshole?” I teased.

  “Your words, not mine,” he said, grinning.

  I let the smile on my face widen. I really couldn’t help it. Samuel was slowly opening me up, slowly making his way inside. There wasn’t a minute that passed that I didn’t wonder if that was a mistake but I decided to just let it play out. I needed to let it happen. I had grown so tired of being so cold. And Samuel was so very warm.

  “Do you want to spend tomorrow together?” he asked.

  “You mean today?”

  “Technically, yes. How about today and tomorrow?” he said, his voice laced with excitement.

  “What did you have in mind?” I asked, my curiosity growing.

  “How about we go camping? The place I’m thinking of is really close, it wouldn’t take us that long to get there,” he said.

  “Camping? In this weather? Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked. It seemed a little too cold out for a tent. Although, the thought of huddling together to share body heat had its charms at the moment.

  “Of course. I mean, it’s in a cabin not a tent. I suppose that could make a difference to those who are a little less adventurous like yourself,” he joked.

  “Less adventurous? No way! I am very adventurous. I’m in.”

  “Good.” He smiled. I was pretty sure he just used that whole reverse psychology thing on me to get his way. Not that I minded. Camping was always fun, even if I hadn’t done it in a decade. I mean, it was going to be in a cabin so it wouldn’t exactly be “roughing it”.

  “I should go so you can get some sleep,” he said, sadness in his voice. He looked at me, waiting for a response.

  “Please don’t. I don’t want to be alone,” I said, looking down, hoping.

  “Okay, Delilah. I’ll stay. Should I…”

  “Oh my god, wait. There was a woman at your house. Oh my god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

  “Delilah, no, no, calm down.” He laughed. “That’s my sister. She’s watching Mason for me,” he said.

  “Oh, that’s a relief.” I exhaled. And it really was. I’ve probably never been this happy and relieved about anything. His sister! Of course!

  “Was someone a little worried I had moved on?” he teased.

  “Well, no. I mean, yes, a little. But, I mean, you know what? This is fine,” I said. I was definitely blushing by this point and apparently couldn’t even form a decent sentence.

  “Way to put a sentence together there, babe.” He laughed.

  “We should be getting some sleep.” I rolled my eyes. I got up from the couch and started walking toward the hallway. I definitely wasn’t sleeping the rest of the night on the couch. I had a perfectly good bed.

  I turned back to Samuel. “Are you coming?”

  “Um, yeah, sure.”

  He seemed nervous, maybe because he’d never even been in my room let alone my bed. I wasn’t worried. We definitely weren’t going to be having sex, if that’s what he was worried about. As much as I wanted to, tonight wasn’t the night for that. Just looking at him made me warm inside. The way his arms flexed and relaxed, the clench in his jaw, the way he appeared both hard and soft at the same time with his soothing smile and gentle hands. I smiled at him in a way I hoped would ease his nerves.

  I led him down the hall by his hand and turned left into my bedroom. I heard him kick his shoes off at the door before walking in. I was still dressed in clothes that were definitely not comfortable for sleep so I rifled through my dresser to find something more comfortable but still not so revealing. I settled on an old t-shirt and some sweatpants. Surely, that would curve any sexual tension. Soft light from outside lamps flooded the otherwise dark room and I excused myself for a moment to change.

  When I returned, he’d seated himself at the edge of the bed and was staring down at the floor. At my presence, he looked up at me and smiled. I could feel everything inside me rebelling against my previous no sex decision. Everything in me wanted Samuel, on top of me, inside me, to become part of me.

  I didn’t know what he sensed in me but he shifted a bit. He got up and walked the few steps to me, caressing my cheek with his hand. He kissed me on the forehead and I felt his hand travel down the side of me before gripping my hand.

  “Let’s go to bed,” he whispered, leading me over to my side of the bed.

  He crawled in and moved himself to the other side, holding the blanket open for me to crawl in. I nuzzled myself in next to him and he tucked the blanket in over me. I lay facing him and he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me in closer. I inhaled the scent of him, clean soap and spices. I gazed at him for a few minutes, cataloging every stray freckle, every tiny scar. He had one right at the edge of his eyebrow that cut into it just slightly. I wondered what the story was behind it.

  Just as my eyes were beginning to shut, I felt him lean in; I felt his lips on mine. There was an urgency this time, a hunger. His mouth devoured mine and I returned the same passion. His hands moved over my hips, pulling at me. I ran my hands through his hair the way I had imagined it the first time I really studied him. I moved over his collarbones and shoulders, across his jawline. And then everything slowed down, became more gentle, more delicate. Samuel pressed his lips lightly to my cheeks, my jaw, my eyelids. He exhaled.

  “Can I tell you a secret, Delilah?” he whispered.

  “Of course,” I said.

  “You scare me. In the best way,” he breathed.

  I moved closer into him in response. Sometimes words weren’t needed. And sometimes knowing someone saw something in you no one else did was all it took to start falling and hoping that wherever you would land would be worth it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Samuel left after we woke up the next morning to pack a bag and I did the same while he was gone. I must’ve packed half my closet, partly because I didn’t know what I would need where we were going and also because I was nervous as hell. I always over packed. I texted Emma.

  Me: Apparently, we are going to a cabin.

  Emma: OMG. Yay!

  Me: Don’t do that. I can’t even begin to tell you how nervous I am.

  Emma: Did you pack something pretty to wear? Something lacy perhaps?

  Me: Stop.

  Emma: What? All I’m saying is that if something does happen, do you really want to be wearing your very grandma-like
laundry day underwear?

  Me: OMG. I packed plenty of those types of things, okay? This isn’t helping at all.

  Emma: Relax, D. Listen, you like him. He very obviously likes you. I’m really glad you decided to give him a chance. Now you just have to enjoy it. But you’d better text me later and dish about every delicious detail.

  Me: Deal. Thx, Em. Love you.

  Samuel arrived back and we threw our bags into the back of his car and hit the road. It wasn’t really that far at all. Just a few miles outside the city. We played twenty questions again and shared songs with each other. The cabin was a cute little place, secluded and surrounded by beautifully bare trees. It was really starting to get cold outside so I was hoping this place had heat.

  The cabin featured a cozy living room area with a fireplace as the focal point, a small kitchen toward the back, and a spiral staircase leading up to a loft bedroom area and a bathroom. There was no television in sight and the rest of the furniture looked older but well kept. Much to my liking, it wasn’t terribly cold inside, but Samuel still offered to make a fire to make it even cozier. I took my bag up into the loft. And then I stared at the bed. One bed. Not that I was expecting anything different but staring at it was starting to make me feel panicky. We will be sharing that bed later. I looked around and there was no television up here either. This place was really a throwback. I peeked into the small bathroom to see the basics. Everything looked clean and there were fresh towels hanging up.

  I heard Samuel downstairs in the kitchen, unpacking the few grocery items we brought with us and I heard the bottles of wine clinking together. We had stopped on our way out of town and picked up some really delicious stuff to cook. Samuel insisted we indulge and even offered to cook all of it, to which I didn’t protest at all. I could hear the crackle of the fire that had really started to build up. These sounds were all the makings of a pleasant weekend if I didn’t ruin it by being myself.

  Samuel came up and plopped his bag onto the floor and then himself down on the bed, wiggling back and forth then nodding as if giving the bed approval. “It’s pretty cozy, actually,” he said.