For Now Page 11

  “Well, that’s good. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable sleeping next to me,” I teased.

  Samuel got up and sauntered over to me in a way I had only seen a few times. He stopped in front of me and pushed the hair back from my face. I liked it when he got the hair out of my face.

  “Delilah, we could be sleeping on the cold wooden floor downstairs covered up with a wool blanket and it would still be the most comfortable I’ve ever been because you’d be there.” He kissed me delicately on the tip of my nose.

  I smiled with my eyes closed. ‘Well, sir. Now that you’ve made me blush, what do you plan on doing for the rest of the day?” I asked.

  “Oh, I can think of a few things I’d like to do.” Samuel raised his eyebrow at me and gave me a grin.

  I felt warm. Melty. Hot. He was good at teasing me and I hated it. But I also really loved it. I closed my eyes and tried not to say or do anything to provoke him further. I swallowed hard, my mouth slightly open. I could feel him breathing on my skin.

  He stepped back. I opened my eyes to see him sort of collecting himself back up. He straightened his back. It was like we were both on drugs, both fighting the high.

  “I’ll make us some lunch.” He nodded, heading downstairs.

  I stood here, eyes wide. Jesus, fuck.

  I joined him in the kitchen at the small bar. I was hungry, but not for this turkey sandwich. I ate it anyway, hoping to distract myself. It was actually pretty good. But it was not as good as the things I was thinking.

  “I thought maybe after we finished eating, we could take a walk?” he said, half-asking.

  “In the cold?!” I shrieked. Taking a walk in the cold wintery forest was not my idea of relaxation.

  “Oh, it’s not that cold. And besides, you can wear one of my big sweaters for extra layering if you want. Plus I have hot chocolate for when we get back,” he said, smiling his dimply smile that I found absolutely irresistible. The man could talk me into anything with that smile.

  “But did you bring marshmallows?” I asked.

  “What kind of person would I be if I didn’t bring marshmallows for the hot chocolate?” he asked, holding out a bag of mini marshmallows he’d taken from the cupboard. He had me and he knew it.

  A few minutes later, and after I had thoroughly bundled myself up into two shirts including his and my coat and scarf, we were out the door and making our way around the cabin to a trail that led off the back. It was cold, and I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t going to complain. At least out loud. He held my hand and guided me down the path. It was that time of year when autumn had just begun but it felt like winter was already settling in. Everything was dead and brown. All the colorful leaves were gone. I didn’t mind it all that much. I felt something very calming in the lack of color. I just didn’t like the cold that came with it, which was ironic considering my favorite way to sleep was with a fan blowing on me. Somehow that felt different.

  We rounded trees and even crossed a couple of little man-made bridges along the trail before the wooded area opened up to a creek. I closed my eyes and listened to the water running over the rocks making the most pleasant rippling sound. Samuel squeezed my hand. We made eye contact and watched our steamy breath swirl around in the space between us. He pulled me into him and gave me a gentle kiss. If ever there was a time I was cold, it was not now.

  “Tell me a secret, Delilah,” he said, tucking my hair behind my ear, gazing at me.

  “This is the safest I’ve felt in years,” I said. It was simple. I didn’t need to say more than that. Samuel’s smile widened. His hug around me tightened. I could breathe easily knowing he was wrapped around me.

  “Delilah?”

  “Yes?”

  “There’s something I need to tell you,” he said.

  “Will it make me happy or sad?” I asked. I was so wrapped up in this moment. I filled my lungs with the crisp air and smiled.

  “I’m not sure,” he said.

  “Then it can wait,” I said. I skipped on down the path, coaxing him to come.

  Samuel nodded his head and skipped after me. We continued our walk, laughing and stopping along the way to look at various things. The path was actually a giant circle that came right back around to the cabin. I noticed a porch in the back that I hadn’t before. The door to it must have been in the back of the kitchen. It was much like my sunroom, enclosed in all glass.

  “Oh, wait until you see what’s out there.” He grinned as he noticed where I was looking. We stepped into the warm living room space and I felt my body loosen up. It was all tensed up out there in the cold. I checked my cell phone to find no reception. Talk about isolation. It was a good thing I trusted Samuel.

  “Don’t worry, there’s an emergency landline here. Not that we’ll be needing it,” he reassured me. “I just thought it would be nice to be away from all the distractions.”

  “I’m not worried. I quite enjoy the lack of email dings and notifications.” I chuckled. Being in the city, the hustle can get to you. And given my chosen profession, I was always online, responding to emails and comments, interacting and arranging. The silence was nice. It was something I could certainly get used to having from time to time.

  “So dinner is going to take a little while. And I was hoping we could make it together. And if you’d like to have comfortable clothing on to do that, you can change while I pour you a glass of wine,” he said.

  A man after my own heart. “Oh, you don’t have to ask me twice. I’ll go and change,” I said. I would never turn down sipping wine in sweatpants.

  I started up the stairs and heard music begin to play from the kitchen. It was soft but gritty. From what I could hear, I really liked it.

  I pulled out sweatpants from my bag along with a sports bra and a thin long sleeve shirt. After I changed, I went to the bathroom to assess my face and hair. I washed the little makeup I was wearing off and applied some moisturizer. I pulled a brush through my hair and pulled it up in a knot on top of my head. I combed out my bangs so they weren’t falling weirdly out of my bun. I stared at myself for a moment, dragging my hand across my jawline and down my neck. I turned to the side and put my hand over my stomach. In all these years, I still instinctively protected something that wasn’t there. I was convinced by this point that it would never stop.

  I stood here for a few more minutes. I was trying really hard not to overthink this. I wanted to just be here. I wanted to be present in these moments and not worry about what was going to happen later or what any of it meant. There was a man downstairs I had only known for a couple of months, and he was treating me better than my ex-husband had in the eight years we were together. There was something wonderful about that. And there was something terrifying about that. I wasn’t even sure I trusted myself to make wise decisions when it came to men. Then again, Emma approved, and it did take me a while to come around to the idea of Samuel, so maybe I was fighting against myself for no reason. Trusting someone new was a hard thing to do. But I couldn’t very well go through life making others pay for the actions of someone in my past. I couldn’t very well go around punishing myself and denying myself the chance for happiness because of them either.

  After another moment, I rejoined Samuel downstairs. He was cutting vegetables and I could see his arm flexing every time the knife came down and it was proving to be very distracting.

  “Hey, you. Need some help?” I asked.

  Samuel looked up from the cutting board and slowed his motions. He looked me up and down and began to smile. He always seemed to be smiling at me. “I just want you to know that I think you are both absolutely adorable and absolutely breathtaking at the same time. And I can’t help but smile at you every time I see you,” he said.

  “Well, thank you,” I managed to say while turning pink under his gaze.

  “But to answer your question, yes. I could use your help. Think you can chop up this onion without bawling your eyes out?” he asked.

  “Yes, sir, I do.
Ancient Chinese secret.” I went over to the sink and washed my hands. Then I grabbed a slice of bread from the bag. Samuel was watching me with curiosity as I stuffed a portion of the bread into my mouth and held it there in my cheek.

  “What on earth are you doing?” he asked, laughing at me.

  “I told you. Ancient Chinese secret.” I laughed.

  “I don’t think people of ancient times put wads of bread in their mouths,” he said.

  “You don’t know! Besides, it works so I don’t care who did it first.”

  “Where did you learn to do this?” he asked.

  “It’s amazing what you can find using Google. I read it a few years back and have been doing it ever since. It keeps me from crying so like I said, I don’t care who discovered it,” I explained.

  “Fascinating. Do you have any more wisdom?” he teased.

  “Oh, I’m sure I do. But I can’t give it to you all at once. This will have to be enough. For now.”

  “For now,” he said, smiling.

  We got into a rhythm of chopping and sautéing until it was all done. By the end, we had the most delicious looking shrimp stir-fry I’d ever seen. My mouth was watering. We sat down at the small kitchen table with our food and glasses of wine. I was so excited to get a bite into my mouth, I barely waited until we were both seated. I heard him laughing as I took my second bite.

  “Have I starved you?” he asked.

  “No, but for some reason I’m especially hungry,” I said, laughing.

  “Just please don’t choke. I’m not prepared to deliver the Heimlich,” he said.

  I slowed after a few bites and took a sip of wine. Sitting here in silence with him didn’t feel awkward at all. My mind wasn’t racing or searching for something to say to fill the quiet space between us. My shoulders slouched back, I breathed slowly, and I could feel his foot against mine. This must be what it’s like for other people, people who can forget about the ugliness that’s happened to them. Maybe I can forget, too.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I interrupted the silence.

  “Of course. You can ask me anything,” Samuel said.

  “Do you ever think about having more kids?” I asked. I’m not sure what even brought that question on, but it was too late now.

  Samuel looked at me a bit surprised and a bit happy to answer. “Yes. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I think about giving Mason a baby brother or sister sometimes. I think more about just giving him a whole family. A mother figure. I would like him to have that wholeness one day. I think about being in love with a woman who loves me back. I think about loving a woman who will stay,” he said calmly and deliberately.

  “I see,” I said.

  “What about you, Delilah?” he asked.

  “It’s not that easy for me,” I said.

  “I can imagine after what you’ve been through you would be hesitant,” he said.

  “It’s more than that, I think. I think about it sometimes. I think about being with a man who would never treat me like Jeff did. I think about having a family. I think about having a baby. Most of the time though, those thoughts unravel me. And then I worry about bringing someone else into that, into my madness.”

  Samuel shook his head and appeared to be processing my response. It fell silent again for a moment before he finally responded. “I think you deserve those things, Delilah. I think you deserve that happiness. I think you will have them one day,” he said. And we went silent again, appreciating the candid answers we had given each other.

  We finished dinner and dishes together. I stood here drying my hands with a towel when I saw Samuel staring at me with a mischievous grin on his face.

  “Are you ready to see what’s on the back porch?” he asked, not even attempting to mask his excitement.

  “Uh oh. You’ve got me a little worried,” I said.

  Samuel grabbed my hand and led me past the kitchen to the back door that led out to the porch. In the center of it stood a hot tub. The room was warm and steamy. He’d apparently snuck out here earlier while I was upstairs changing and turned it on to make sure it was ready.

  His face was beaming. My heart started to pound the way it did when I felt like I might have a panic attack only the panic attack never actually came.

  “Can we please? Just think of how warm and relaxing that water is going to be,” he said, and I couldn’t deny his logic. Just feeling the steamy warmth in the air made me want to sink into it and stay there until I pruned.

  “Yes, we can,” I replied, both excited and hesitant. This had disaster written all over it but I didn’t have the strength to stop it.

  “Let’s go change!” he said.

  “I didn’t bring a bathing suit,” I said.

  “I mean, I’m not going to complain whatever you decide to do,” he said.

  I rolled my eyes at him. Ugh, that man, I swear…

  I arrived back at the hot tub in a robe. Samuel was wearing nothing but those short, tight boxer briefs that hugged everything. And for the first time, I saw his perfect hips, his perfect v-shaped abdomen, his perfect chest. I saw his tattoos that stretched from his biceps, up around his shoulders, and across the top of his back. Cheesecake, I thought, he’s cheesecake. I couldn’t believe I was about to disrobe in front of him. He stepped up and into the hot tub and I watched his back muscles relax. The sight of him waist deep in the steaming hot water was enough to keep me warm through the entire night.

  I untied my robe and dropped it from my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor around my feet. I watched Samuel as he looked at me. His face was serious, intense. His eyes flickered across my almost naked body. His gaze started at my face and traveled down to my collarbones. I watched his eyes as they took in my breasts and down to my navel. His breathing was deep. I had put on a matching black lace bra and panties. It left very little to the imagination. His eyes made their way back up to mine.

  “Perfect,” was the only word he uttered, breathy and slow.

  I could feel my entire body blushing as he helped me up into the hot tub. I was hoping the heat of the water would mask how flushed my skin was. When I settled into one of the scooped seats, my body relaxed down into the water and I rolled my head back onto the edge of the tub. God, this is as close to heaven as I have ever felt.

  Samuel took my left foot into his lap and started rubbing the bottom of it. I let out an audible moan. I think this was what people were talking about when they used the phrase “total relaxation”. I couldn’t recall a single moment in the past decade that felt this good. There were no words that did this justice.

  “Can I ask you a question, Delilah?”

  “I think we should just both agree that we don’t have to ask if we can ask a question from now on. We just ask the actual question. Agreed?” I chuckled.

  “Fair enough,” he said.

  I could see hesitation on his face. He was collecting his thoughts. There may have even been a hint of worry. “What is it, Samuel?” I asked.

  “Do you like me?” he asked. My eyes shot open. I didn’t see that coming. Or maybe I did. I wasn’t even sure at this point. It was a valid question, after all. Given the short but dramatic track record we’d had. Samuel was a good man. He deserved the absolute truth.

  “It’s what I came to tell you yesterday, you know? When I saw you with your sister. I had just stepped out of the shower and I had this overwhelming need to find you and tell you. I got dressed as fast as I could and ran over there in the cold. When I saw you I almost just blurted it out without thinking. Then I started overthinking and ruined it. Then, you know the rest.”

  “Technically, you haven’t answered my question.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Yes, Samuel. I like you. I do. As much as I’ve tried not to. As much as I’ve tried to keep my guard up. I just can’t anymore,” I said, raising my head up to look at him.

  Samuel stared at me, smiling and silent. He stopped rubbing my foot and started to move through the water toward
me. Everything in me tightened. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck start to prickle, despite how hot the water was. His hand grazed the outside of my thigh and I could feel it in my toes. It had been more than eight years since I’d had anyone other than Jeff. That thought alone made my stomach flip. I closed my eyes.

  “Delilah?” he whispered.

  “Yes?” I managed. I could feel his breath on my exposed collarbone. I could feel how close he was to me even with my eyes closed.

  “Open your eyes,” he said.

  And I did. We were practically cheek to cheek and I finally exhaled. “You’re making me feel things,” I breathed.

  “Delilah?” he whispered again.

  “Yes, Samuel?” I returned.

  “I’m going to kiss you now,” he whispered.

  Before I could respond, his hand wrapped around my jaw and into my hair. He leaned in and inhaled my neck, pulling his bottom lip against my cheek until his mouth hesitated just in front of mine. His face nudged mine and then his mouth pressed into my lips until I parted them. I felt his tongue against mine. He pulled back, nibbling at my bottom lip, and I felt a jolt deep between my legs. All at once I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and like maybe this was the first time I was breathing in a decade. I felt his hand begin to move down the length of my body and then over the inside of my thigh. My body was responding, pushing outward, pulling inward. For the first time in what seemed like forever, a man was touching me and I wasn’t flinching. He pulled his face from mine for a moment.

  “I want you,” he whispered. “All of you.”

  “I want you, too,” I confessed.

  Samuel stood up, water trickling down his hot skin. He climbed out over the edge of the tub and extended his hand to me. I stood with my shoulders back and took his hand. He led me into the house, droplets of water trailing the cabin floor. He started up the stairs, never letting go of me. I climbed them willingly. I was ready for this.

  He stopped at the foot of the bed and turned to me. Everything was in slow motion and off balance, the way it feels when you’re drunk. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. He kissed me softly on the cheek and down across my jaw. He kissed my mouth. There was an urgency growing inside me. I felt his hand move up my spine and he took my bra clasp between his fingers. With one flick, it was undone. I snapped back, eyeing him. He gave me the “this isn’t my first time” sideways smile and we both let out a little laugh. I shrugged my shoulders, took in a deep breath, and closed my eyes. This was it, one of those moments I’d remember forever. My naked heart and my naked body were going to be exposed at the same time. I felt his hand cup my chin and pull it up.