For Now: A Novel Read online

  “When did it start?” he asked.

  I wasn’t prepared to answer that. “Maybe I’ll tell you one day. But for now, I’ll keep it a secret. Like where we are going.” I smiled.

  “Touché. For now.” He grinned at me like I was a puzzle to be put back together and he was figuring out the pieces faster than I wanted.

  “We ready to go?” I asked, wanting to shift the conversation.

  “Yes, ma’am,” he said.

  And with that, we were heading to the door.

  Chapter Ten

  One year to the day after my miscarriage, my first book went up for sale. I sat quietly at home not knowing what to expect. I hadn’t even told Jeff. It was sort of strange to see my book just sitting there on the screen waiting to be sent to other people if they wanted it. Emma had texted me first, telling me she already bought her copy. I’d circulated advertisements on various sites and done some foot work to get it into local stores. So I just sat there, waiting. And wondering.

  I took a leave from work after I came home from the hospital and hadn’t been back since. Fortunately, Jeff was promoted at work and I was able to stay home. But more than that, it was where he wanted me. During that time, his presence left a sinking feeling in my stomach. But who knew, maybe I would never have to go back to a nine to five. Maybe I could just write. A girl could dream.

  I was standing in the kitchen, cutting an apple, when I heard a car in the driveway. Odd, considering I wasn’t expecting anyone. I heard the key turn and the familiar sinking feeling returned to me. Jeff was coming home randomly in the middle of the day and this couldn’t be good. He sauntered in as he always did, tossing his keys in the little dish we kept by the door and making his way into the kitchen.

  “Oh, you’re home early. Is everything okay?” I asked.

  “Everything is fine,” he said, coming around the edge of the counter and moving toward me in such a way that I backed myself up as far against the counter behind me as I could. He grabbed my jaw tightly and smashed his mouth against mine. His hand was traveling down my side.

  “Jeff, please, no. I don’t feel well. I just want to eat,” I pleaded.

  “I’m your husband and I want you now,” he said, biting into my bottom lip.

  I shut my eyes, pushing his hand away as best as I could. I could feel it inside me. This swelling I had scarcely allowed before. With both hands on his chest and all the strength I could muster, I shoved him back away from me. “No! Just leave me alone!” I screamed.

  Perhaps I went momentarily insane in believing that would work. He looked at me like I had grown a second head. He rushed back at me, grabbing a handful of my hair at the nape of my neck and snapping it back so that I was looking up. Tears began to stream down the sides of my face and I choked back a whimper.

  “You listen to me now. You are mine and I will do with you as I please. Do you understand? Say you understand!” he growled.

  “I understand,” I yelped.

  “Good,” he said. He grabbed my arm. So tightly it hurt to even try to move it. He was pulling at me, pulling me upstairs. I wept the entire way up.

  When it was over, he rolled to his side and fell asleep as if this was perfectly normal. And it had been, at least for us, for the past year. I got up and went to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, examining myself. I was losing weight, steadily. This time had been the worst. He’d been so rough, pushing and pulling at me. Bruises were already starting to show all over my thighs, upper arms, and around my wrists. My face was red and puffy. I didn’t recognize myself. I flipped the light off. I didn’t want to look at myself anymore. The smallest amount of light crept in from the window, softening everything enough that it wasn’t so unbearable. I left the light off as I stepped into the shower and cleaned myself off. I turned the water as hot as I could stand it and let it pour over me. That was my first shower with the lights off. It felt better in the dark. It allowed me to look down at myself without crying. The darkness hid me away, hid everything I couldn’t manage to accept or embrace. I never felt more detached from the person I knew myself to be. I was just surviving. By hot water and darkness.

  I still wasn’t pregnant and that displeased Jeff. It seemed to make him more and more angry as time went on. Some days I thought getting pregnant would make this all go away but there was no way I could bring a child into this.

  So I went on and on like this. For the next three years. After another year, he didn’t try as much. And another year after that, he didn’t try at all. He’d given up on the family idea. I kept writing. That’s where I kept my focus.

  After a little while, I really started to blow up. Jeff started going away for conferences and training and had a lot of late night meetings. We carried on this way for a while. Roommates who led separate lives, crossing paths in common areas, and that was about it. I’m not sure why we didn’t just end it. Some small part of me hoped to see the Jeff I had married, the Jeff I had fallen in love with so long ago. But the rest of me knew he was gone forever. Every day I mourned the baby girl we lost. And every day I mourned the husband I lost.

  By the end, I learned that a person doesn’t have to pack a suitcase and kiss you goodbye to leave you. Sometimes they will slip away quietly right next to you and you cannot reach them. He was gone. Forever.

  Chapter Eleven

  Samuel and I made the entire drive to wherever we were going playing twenty questions. I was attempting to guess our destination on the way but as we pulled up, I realized how wildly unsuccessful I had been. In fact, I never even came close. When we parked and got out, I still couldn’t figure out where we were. The building didn’t have any insignia and the sign by the road was too far away to read. I looked at him, perplexed.

  “Don’t worry, you’re going to love this. I think.” He laughed.

  “Such confidence from someone who doesn’t know me,” I countered.

  “I already told you. I’ve been knowing you the whole time.”

  Suddenly I was uneasy and shifting. He motioned for me to walk with him toward the front. He opened the door for me just as he had the night before. We walked to the front counter and were greeted by a cheery young guy, maybe high school aged.

  “Hey, guys! Have you been here before?” he asked.

  “I have, she hasn’t,” Samuel answered, showing him some type of membership card.

  “All right then, let’s get you set up!” he said.

  By then I was so confused, I just followed them both down a small corridor where we were both dumped into a room with gun holsters. What on earth?

  “You look like you need a medium. Are you right handed or southpaw?” Samuel asked me.

  “Southpaw,” I said. And he grabbed a thigh holster from the wall. He reached down toward my leg and I jumped back probably a foot.

  “I’ll do it,” I said, grabbing it from his outstretched hand.

  “Okay,” he said with a smile.

  I was definitely not ready for a man to be touching my legs. No way. I strapped it on with his guidance from afar and tightened it. We walked to the nearby counter and the guy behind it put about five different handguns in front of me.

  “We are shooting stuff?” I asked.

  “Well, sort of. Don’t worry, they’re only rubber bullets.” He laughed.

  I chose the 9mm Baretta. I checked and loaded the clip, put the safety on, and holstered it.

  “Whoa, wait a minute. You seem to be handling that like it’s not exactly your first time,” he said.

  “Is that a question or a statement?” I grinned.

  “Both, I think.”

  “I may or may not have handled a gun or two in my time, sir,” I said.

  A thorough look of surprise and approval swept his face. We walked into the next room where it was dark. In front of us were two doors, and a red siren light was fixed above them. I looked around for clues but there weren’t many. Another young guy appeared and started spouting off some rules.

  �
�Don’t touch them. Only open doors when the lights signal you to. Keep going. There are twenty-five targets and you’re equipped with twenty-seven bullets between the two clips. So don’t miss too much,” he recited with ease.

  “Are you ready?” Samuel asked with genuine excitement in his voice.

  “I still have no idea what we’re doing!” I said.

  “Oh, we are killing zombies! GO!”

  “Wait, what?!” I yelled toward him as he charged forward through the door. I followed behind him into a dark makeshift corridor while strobe lights flashed overhead and ominous music played loudly with an occasional woman screaming. This was straight out of a haunted house. One of those really fancy, over-the-top haunted houses. Just then something popped up to the left of us and we both jerked instinctively to point our guns at it.

  “Go ahead!” he yelled.

  I steadied my aim at the chest of this zombie figure and pulled the trigger. A direct hit and the figure popped back down into its hiding place.

  “They have sensors in their chests that you aim for! Come on, we have to save the world!” he said.

  We turned the corner and another two popped up just ahead of us on the right. We both fired and they went back down. Okay, Delilah, this is super fun!

  We went on like this through the course, killing zombies and laughing hysterically. And who would have guessed that we’d make a pretty damn good zombie killing team? We killed all the zombies and hit the button to release the cure into the atmosphere before time ran out.

  “Okay, this place is seriously awesome,” I said as we were walking back to the car.

  “So I was right then. You’ve got a little savage in you.” He smiled.

  “Okay, okay. Yes, you were right. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Thank you,” I said. “You seem very pleased with yourself. Your smug smile gives you away, in case you didn’t realize.”

  “Oh, no, I’m very aware, miss,” he said, smiling even bigger.

  We arrived back at my place after having lunch at a pizza place down the road to find Emma’s car parked in the drive.

  “Oh, right! Emma is coming over for dinner tonight, I totally forgot,” I said.

  We made our way to the door and walked in. Emma was there with David, waiting with a sort of worried look on her face. I had given her a spare key.

  “Delilah! Where did you go? I was worried when your car was here but you weren’t. I tried texting you,” she said, rushing over to me as if to examine me, even though I was perfectly fine.

  “Oh, sorry, we were shooting zombies,” I said, motioning to Samuel.

  “Hello again, Emma,” he said with a small wave.

  “Hi, no trouble at all. I’m glad to see her out and about. And with you no less.” Emma smiled.

  I shot her a look and rolled my eyes. “Yes, Emma, just making new friends you know.”

  “Right, yes, friends,” she said.

  A silence fell over the room and I wanted to crawl under something.

  “Well, then, that’s my cue. I better be going to pick up Mason,” Samuel said as he backed up to the door.

  “So soon? You’re welcome back for dinner, the two of you. We are getting fancy tonight. Delilah is going to be cooking...something,” Emma said.

  “I don’t want to impose,” Samuel said.

  “No imposition at all!” she said.

  “Okay then. I guess I will see you all later,” Samuel said. He gave me a nod and smile as he left and I returned the smile as the door shut.

  I whirled around. “Oh my god, what did you just do? What did you actually just do, Emma?”

  “What? I just thought it would be nice for all of us to get to know each other,” she said, feigning innocence, but I knew better.

  “Well, I’ve been knowing him, so I mean, that really has nothing to do with it,” I said. I laughed internally at my phrasing and scoffed Samuel for it.

  “Well, I haven’t and I want to!” Emma said.

  “Great, great. Oh, and I’m cooking, too, then? I wasn’t aware of this,” I said.

  “Well, you’d probably figure it out. You’ve got like three hours so you’ll be fine.” She laughed, pleased with herself.

  I walked to the kitchen, preparing myself to scavenge the ingredients of some sort of meal I had not anticipated making. I heard Emma following me in and I prepared myself for the third-degree questioning. I found myself relieved that I had stocked up on wine. I had a feeling I was going to need it.

  She knew better than to suggest more than a friendship with Samuel. I just wasn’t ready and despite his charming ways, I didn’t have anything more to offer him or anyone else at the moment. Perhaps I was too relaxed with him earlier. I hoped I hadn’t done anything to give him any other impression. Maybe I would have a talk with him later and make my stance a little clearer.

  I began to collect things from cabinets, pulling out pans and getting sort of organized. I’ve got this. Fortunately, I worked well under pressure. Emma started in with her questions and I gave her vague answers as I got busy around the kitchen. The silence grew after a few minutes and Emma put on some music. She walked into the living room and wrapped her arms around David and I allowed myself to be envious of them for just a moment. They had love. Real honest to goodness love. I hoped I would want that one day. I hoped one day I’d be ready for it.

  I let the music take me. It was soft and soothing. My mind went to Samuel and Mason. What it must’ve been like to lose a wife and mother. They seemed very close in her absence and I’m sure it was true. They only had each other.

  I found myself recalling the details of Samuel’s face. I’d stolen glances at best and only managed to study the details once or twice. He was attractive, there was no doubt about that. I could say that, it didn’t mean anything. So what? He had the type of eyes you could fall into and never quite climb back out of, which is probably why I avoided eye contact with him most of the time. His mouth was pleasant. I didn’t have a better word for it. Pleasant. And his voice. That was the kicker for me. His square jaw was covered in the perfect amount of scruff. His hands were less than delicate looking but I hadn’t had a chance to catch the ink on his arms again. He wore long sleeves each time I saw him. I made a mental note to ask about his tattoos. I couldn’t believe it hadn’t come up in conversation yet. Surely, he saw mine peeking out, too.

  I was pretty lost in thought when I heard my phone ding. A text message was sitting on the front screen across the bar and I glanced over to see. Unknown number. Again.

  Everything will reveal itself with time. Don’t worry.

  He will be good to you.

  My jaw dropped. My hands shook. Someone is watching me?

  Chapter Twelve

  We were all seated for dinner but my mind was somewhere else. Samuel and Mason had arrived and after introductions, we all sat down to alfredo. It was quiet at first. My head was filled with questions about the mysterious texts I kept getting. I didn’t want to alarm anyone, especially because they weren’t even threatening. But I was also sort of weirded out. Emma cleared her throat and it snapped me back. I realized I was the link here. My dinner guests didn’t know one another.

  “So, Samuel, Delilah tells me you met at a diner?” Emma asked. I could always count on her to break the tension.

  “I’d hardly call it a meeting. We ran into each other. Literally,” he said, laughing, as he looked at me.

  His fondness for making me uncomfortable was getting out of hand. I was definitely going to talk to him tonight. He needed to know we could only be friends. He needed to know I was not what he was looking for and never could be.

  Emma turned her attention to the little boy who was swirling a noodle around his fork. “Mason, what grade are you in?”

  “Second. With Ms. Jones and my best friend Caleb.” Mason smiled big and bright.

  His innocence poured out with his response and it made me smile. And that made his dad smile.

  Samuel and David settled into talking a
bout some upcoming sports game on television this weekend and again my thoughts went to the texts I was receiving. Most people didn’t even know where I was. I hadn’t told anyone or made any grand announcement about moving. I never even told my agent where I was. So if someone knew I was here, they had been keeping tabs on me for a while. I started to get this uneasy feeling in my stomach. I found myself recounting steps, trying to remember if I ever noticed anyone suspicious around. Nothing was coming to mind. In the past, I’d never had any issues with my readers or anyone else for that matter.

  Emma helped me clear the table and get the dishes in the dishwasher while Mason checked out the squirrels in the backyard. The guys sat on the couch and continued their conversation about sport things. I would never understand their obsession with sports.

  “So, what’s going on with you guys?” Emma asked me in a hushed voice.

  “Nothing!” I quietly snapped back.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. As a matter of fact, I need to talk to him about it tonight. I just want to make sure he knows where I stand. I can’t be getting mixed up in any kind of romance. And besides, I’m no good for him or anyone for that matter,” I said.

  “You hush! You deserve happiness just like everyone else, Delilah. You can’t live in fear of it.”

  Perhaps she was right but I didn’t think I was living in fear of happiness. I was living in fear of all the things that happened instead of happiness. “Anyway, I’m just not ready,” I said, settling it.

  Emma rolled her eyes at me and dried her hands. She hated when I was stubborn, which was almost all the time. In truth, I knew she was just looking out for me but I wouldn’t budge on this.

  Emma and David said their goodbyes a few minutes later, which left me sitting on the couch with Samuel while Mason played a game on his tablet in the chair. I got us some tea to sip. I really wanted wine but I thought it would set the wrong tone for the discussion I needed to have with Samuel.